It's Freezing Up Here!

So in keeping with my obession with my boobs lately - hello! Yes I actually wore this shirt out to the bar - I have worn it on two different occassions.

I have started a new beauty routine evey Monday night is my beauty night and I have this salt scrub and awesome body cream I have been using and my ass is a soft as a baby's butt. Actually my whole body is soft and with my new hair I have been treating that too and so that is super soft too. I am just all around silky.

It sure does make a girl feel better when she can be all smooth and sexy. Although it is winter time so the effect is short lived and I really have to use lotion every day - or I want to scratch my shins off because they get so dry. It's 18 degrees so I am avoiding the outdoors as much as possible. Thanksgiving is coming up and I can't wait to strap on the feed bag.

COUCH!

So this is how my weekend went.

Friday: I met Lexie after work to help her pick out a couch. This is the one we decided on it is the most comfy couch ever and because it is in pieces you can configure it many different way. So I also fell in love with this couch and will be purchasing it when I save up some money which will be after I pay off something’s first so it might be a whole year before I get this couch but it is fabulous. (This is not the best picture of me but whatever the couch is awesome). Then we went out for dinner and then I went home and cleaned my bedroom.

Saturday: Found me going over to Lexie’s house at around noon – I hung out over there watching movies and just vegging (she brought her bed mattress out into the living room so we could just lay around).

Sunday: Saturday night didn’t sleep hardly at all was up at 3:30AM on Sunday morning for like 4 hours and then went back to bed. Then Travis and baby Seamus came over for a few hours and hung out.

Monday: Kelly and Travis woke me up at 9AM because they were on their way over with baby because I was going to babysit for the day. So baby and I took a two hour nap around noon. Then they came back and we went and hung out over at Lexie’s house for a bit.

So over all not an exciting weekend but at least I didn’t spend any money. So props to me.

AArguh!

Ok so my weekend:

Friday night found me over at Lexie’s house so she could color my hair (my roots were BADDY BAD BAD). Then just when I was about to go home Mama Jenn was over there and she decided to start having contractions. So once we talked her into going into the hospital to have it checked out we then proceeded to spend three hours at the hospital to find out that she wasn’t drinking enough water. Well it was late and I was getting cranky so dropped Jenn and Lexie off at her house and went home but couldn’t get to sleep until like 3:30AM.

Saturday evening I went over to a BBQ at Michelle’s house and hung out over there for a few hours. Jesse Pooh brought this redneck golf game which was mildly entertaining to watch and I got to be the score keeper for that. Marissa (from Seattle) and Rob drunk called me Saturday night – she was out celebrating her 30th birthday (Welcome to the Club Sista!) so that was fun I got to listen to them order Jack In The Box which made me really want a Sour Dough Jack – to bad we don’t have those up here.

Sunday I vegged all day.

I just had a visit from Kelly, Travis and the baby Seamus he is getting so big he is going to be 1 year old on October 14 so I will be attending that birthday party for sure.

Much Love to Everyone

P.S.
The Aarguh – is because I had a pissy moment at work and wanted to throw something but seeing the baby made it all better.

zzzzzzzzz

So this last weekend found me over at Lexie’s house on Friday trying to keep her motivated to decorate her house now that the painting is all done. She finally hung some stuff on the walls and Mama Jenn organized some of her nic nacks so that once she gets furniture to put it all on she will have stuff. Plus I stayed late to do her laundry so I could make sure she put it all way before I left then I went home to sleep and then called her up at noon on Saturday and told her I was coming over to just hang out. So vegged over there for the rest of the day.

Sunday I stayed home and vegged and didn’t get anything done.

Tonight I plan on cleaning my own house and busting out with the carpet cleaner if I can get that all done then I will feel better and can just relax and be a total slug and do nothing for the next two weeks since I am broker than broke until the end of August.

I also plan on washing the dogs I’m sure they are going to love that but at least they will smell better and it’s been over a year since either of them had a bath.

Episode CIX: “Tempting Fate!”

So I decided to tempt fate again by wearing my fabulous pink Coach sandals to work today. It’s a little chilly but if it snows I am going to be really upset.

I’m sitting here at my desk wondering if it’s possible to get frost bite at 65% because I am freezing. My toes and fingers are about to go on strike so I actually just went out to the car to get my coat (even though I was already wearing layers a shirt and jacket type thing) and I am sitting cross legged in my chair with a throw blanket over my lap.

I am bored with work and e-mailing my friends. There is talk about a possible David Hasslehoff theme party coming up – I have decided that I will go with the Baywatch David look of a pair of short red shorts and some how purchase a red personal floatation device to strategically place over my ya-ya’s I hope it’s warm that day. Then Tammy says we might actually have to go to a bar dressed that way – to which I replied that I would need massive amounts of alcohol and a escort for security purposes and that I might need to bring an entourage (apparently according to Kurt I have one – who knew) all this because I am a Diva.

Then of course there would be Knight Rider David – what’s that a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a beat-up black leather coat. How would I sex that up? Maybe by tearing the t-shirt into a mid-drift, naw too boring.

Maybe I should just dress up as a rock star and sing “hooked on a feeling” like David did in 1997. That was the year I graduated from high school. That might work – hmmm – maybe guess we will have to just wait and see.

Episode CII: “Missing In Action”

So yesterday Lexie was totally missing in action – I finally heard from her today apparently she was out at some village so I guess I will let it slide.

It freaking snowed last night – can we say RUDE! I was getting so excited it looked like I might be able to bust out with my sandals soon – no such luck I guess. That’s alright since after this weekend I think I am going to completely drop off the face of the earth for awhile at least in my public appearances I will still try and post regularly on here.

The super top secret project might be coming to an end this week if so I will let you know how it went.

Episode LXXXXIV: “The Cat Broke The Bank”

Seriously this is not like last time when the cat “Puddy” went outside and failed miserably at being a cat and came back home after gouging a nice tear in his stomach which required a emergency visit to the vet and 14 stitches costing me $450 to fix him up right again. (He was grounded to the house for almost two years after that little incident). However this is not a metaphor – he literally knocked my glass piggy bank off the table and on to the floor. So he quite literally Broke the Bank. He does not like being locked in the house but he’s not man enough to want to spend too much time outside in the cold. He is driving everyone crazy humans and dogs alike. He also has this thing with dragging my bras out of my dressing room and downstairs and then leaving them lying in the front room. I won’t tell you how many time I have come home with friends to find my lingerie right there for the world to see. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had hastily removed it or had it removed and it got deposited there because at least that would be fun. So in conclusion “FREE CAT TO GOOD HOME!”

Also since I was fond of that Piggy Bank – having decorated it myself a year ago when I was in Hawaii with Lexie and her parents. I might need to call upon Lexie’s mother for a new one. DAMN CAT!

Episode LXXXV: “Full Moon!”

OK last weekend. I started feeling under the weather on Friday night so I went to bed early (at ten) and was awake by 8:30 on Saturday I proceeded to sleep most of the day Saturday and then got ready and went to Tammy’s birthday party at 8:00 then I swung by Jessy and Gabe’s for a bit and then I was going to surprises Joe but when I drove by the house at 10:20 all the lights were out and I’m pretty sure he was sleeping. So I went home to take a couple shots and wait for Tammy to call and tell me when they were moving to Kootz. So in a cab on my way to Kootz about midnight hung out there until just before the bar closed and then Kurt and I went back over to Jessy & Gabe’s and hung out there for awhile (they once again kicked my butt at cards – am getting use to it). Got home around 6:00 am and went to bed. I think I must have eaten about 4 burritos that night I was starving. Slept literally all day on Sunday so I am feeling better not so under the weather but I still think I have a cold coming on.

Also the full moon this month is on Monday Christmas Eve which means I have one week to get my stuff together and sent down to a friend – we are trying an experiment and if it works I will be selling my services for your first born child. It will so be worth it.

P.S. Tool stop critiquing my spelling or I will beat you over the head with a shovel. <- A false disclaimer is nobody’s friend!

Episode LXXX: “Jingle Bells – Batman Smells”

OK so along with me having one hell of a night on Saturday night I totally left my cell phone in the cab. That is what happens when you are drunk and distracted by the Big Mac in your hands. So I waited a few days in the hopes that someone would turn it in. No such luck. Now I really wasn’t upset it was time for me to get a new phone anyway but half the phone numbers in there I don’t have anymore. So for those of you whose numbers that have been lost you are currently saved from any random drunk text messages for the time being. Although I think most of the people who read this on a regular basis and who comment you are safe I had all your numbers in my computer. So now I am sporting a new Royal Blue KRAZOR phone it’s totally cute. Although a whole two and a half days without a cell phone was like walking around without a hand.

Anyway tonight I buy a Christmas Tree and decorate it with my fabulous crystal ornaments. I will take a picture and post it later. Also I must rest up our company Christmas party is this Friday and the guys are already talking about who all is going out to party afterward. Personally I hope they all come out after as I will not have to buy a drink all night and I already have my designated driver lined up and he is already scared.

Episode LXXVIII: “It’s that time of year again.”

You know that time of year where I want to take a cheese grater to my shins or better yet just cut my legs off at the knee. They are so dry there isn’t enough lotion in the verse to keep me hydrated (of course I know drinking more water this time of year would help but it’s just so tasteless). Also it is now officially the count down to Christmas so I will be avoiding any unnecessary trips anywhere that might remotely be near a retail source. To all my friends and family I love you all very much but don’t get me anything for Christmas because I am not getting you anything because I am broke and I don’t want to feel guilty. You all might get cards if I get around to getting them out but that is about it.

Episode LXXVI: “Hmm, Well Shit.”

This is totally my new motto: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out screaming ‘WOO HOO what a ride!”

So with this in mind I actually have every intention of sliding in with a Kate Spade purse holding a bunch of the little plastic mermaids that accompany a cocktail made by Joe, Coach Shoes so worn out from dancing you can’t even read the label and my Christian Dior sunglasses (which believe it or not I still have not lost and they currently hold the record for longest lasting sunglasses in the history of Keri) hiding the wrinkles on my face that as of right now have not appeared because I am fabulous.

While we all know I have no problem with my self esteem and I know I am fabulous and I know that you all know I am fabulous. However there are some out there who have not grasp this knowledge (to the random guy standing next to me at the bar wondering where his drink is because he was there first – for like an hour, to the girl at Best Buy who looks confused by the fact that this girl in a pink ski cap and jeans with a big fluffy vest on is getting all the attention from everyone – “I just realized this the other night – apparently I have a great aura”, to the nameless ones out there you know who you are) I AM FABULOUS! And I will beat you over the head with my handbag until you realize it.

So while I realize that I have a certain talent to talk my way in or out of anything (I am pretty sure I could talk my way on to Air Force One if I wanted too). I have decided not to use my power for evil but to help others who I think deserve it so if there is anything any of my peeps need you holla at me and I will let my mojo flow.

Episode LXXIV: “Girls, What’s my Weakness.”

BIG MACS!

Seriously had one heck of a night last night – had a bad day wanted to kill people. Went out and got completely wasted and was home by 10:30. Short night but filled with my emotional maelstrom that would rival hurricane Katrina. She’s up she’s down she’s mad at everyone she’s crying so hard she’s shaking.

Yeah: Me – Me – Me – I – I –I!

Now anyone that knows me knows I don’t get mad very often I tend to hold it in which isn’t exactly healthy but it works for me. Then about once a year I have a melt down and there usually is a big argument and then I feel better (usually my mom is the one who gets to see this softer side of Keri). Well there was almost one of these full blown episodes last night except all day yesterday everybody could sense I was mad so no one would argue with me and I need to argue to get it out – so now it’s just going to fester and last until I can have a good row with someone. So I guess that was everyone’s warning – stand back.

Episode XLXIV: “First Chapter Meeting for: Phi Beta Kappa – I.V.C.”

So last night I went over to Alexis’s house to get some girl time in. When I got there I was given a home cooked meal and then I sat on one end of the couch and Mel on the other and then Lexie sat in the middle. We sat out there commiserating and watching C.S.I. reruns on the Spike channel. Meanwhile Bri Bri was hold up in the bedroom getting his school work done and pretty much leaving us girls to ourselves – I think he might have been a little scared. The night ended with a snuggle fest on Lexie’s bed. I was in bed relatively early for me. However some idiot keeps calling my phone (Private) in the middle of the night – if I don’t know the number and you are not programmed into my phone and you don’t have the decency to leave a message – I am so not going to answer your call or call you back. HOW RUDE!

Episode XLIII: “Baby Got BACK!”

OK so since nothing truly exciting happened yesterday and I just worked all day and I do mean WORKED (8:00 am to 11:15 pm). I decided my post would be a slight deviation from the norm. Today we are going to talk about me! That’s right – because it’s my blog and I can toot my own horn if I want too.
So the number for the day is 25, yep twenty-five! That’s how many pounds I have lost since the beginning of May. I am pretty sure that this is mainly to do with me just being happy and working two jobs I don’t just eat because I can. I eat when my stomach tells me too and I stop when I am full. I know it’s a novel concept – who would have thunk it. So for those of you who are worried my butt is of course here to stay it’s been with me since before I met my boobs so we go way back, but I am hoping to part ways permanently with my double chin we had a falling out and are not friends anymore it kept ruining all my pictures, peeing on the toilet seat and leaving dirty laundry on the floor. You will notice in the picture below that it is not there. That’s right, so long Doublely don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

So in a perfect world 35 pounds to go, although I am comfortable at this weight but I really want to get back into my leather pants so I think that is at least another 15.

OK so this post was just like the others: All about Me Me Me I I I!!

Keep on trucking: “My anaconda don’t want none, Unless you’ve got buns, hun.”

Episode XXXVII: “Dance Dance!”

OK so the other night when I was at Kootz I noticed that they have added a stripper pole to the band side dance floor. Now the swing bar has always had a few poles up by the bar but they are there to, you know hold the roof up and all. Well Wednesday night I decided to give Bri Bri a little show using the swing bar foundation poles when one of the girls that worked there told me the pole was in the other room. Oh why thank you – so you guys installed that just for me? How sweet! Yeah that is not happening until such time as I am so wasted that there will be vomiting involved. So while the pole may have been meant for me by all means anyone who has the moxie jump up on that and shake it.

This is your Queen of Kootz signing off.

Episode XXX: “Koots - here we come, right back where we started from.”

So I am suppose to go to Koots for the Comedy show but since I’m pretty sure that it is going to be the same guy that we saw on Tuesday I am not holding my breath but that is OK because I can wonder around the bar. I have no intentions of staying out as late as I did on Tuesday night. My plan is to be home by midnight (I’ll let you know how that goes). It has so far been one busy week and the weekend is almost here.

Episode XXI: “It’s all about ME!.”

Seriously as I sit here at my desk staring down out my legs I think “Damn what great gams I have!” I just tried this new self tanner (Clinique) it is awesome stuff my legs are no longer a white, sun light reflecting transparent color. It actually looks pretty natural. Plus it helps that I am wearing a white skirt (white always makes you look darker). Let’s talk about the skirt for a minute – it is my all time favorite outfit (I really should wear it more often) it does this nice flare thing and it promotes exercise. When I run down the stairs it does this flare up thing that is so black and white movie. So I find myself going up and down stairs more today. Where’s my mom when I need her to DIP me. Oh well this means of course I can’t wear this outfit for another month because I have a problem about wearing the same outfit more then once a month, other people probably wouldn’t notice but I would know and I would think they knew and these are perhaps issues I should discuss with my therapist. I will get back to you on that.

So ME, ME, ME, I, I, I, Twirl, Twirl, Twirl!

Episode XIX: "How much DIRT is too much DIRT?"

The names have been left out of the following post to protect the innocent.

I was e-mailing a friend of mine and she tried to pull one over on me so I shot back with a retort that was both witty and true at which point her reply was “You have too much dirt on me.”

When it comes to your close friends is it possible to have too much dirt? I don’t think so – I think it shows that you know everything about them and yet you still love them no matter what – I think it’s a true test of friendship. With this comes awesome responsibility though, say you were to have a falling out with said friend and not be friends anymore EVER this would not give you license to go around airing their dirty laundry everywhere. Guess I’m not vindictive!

Then again my friends keep my secrets (to the grave beotches)!

Locked up tight as Fort Knox here in Alaska.