Episode LXXXI: “The Must Have Party Accessory”

I got a text message yesterday afternoon from “S” a girl that had gone out with us last Saturday. She pretty much wanted to make sure I hadn’t wound up in a ditch somewhere Saturday night. I told her I lost my phone but other then that I was good to go. Then I called Lexie to find out what was going on and she said “S” had called her to see she if she wanted to go out this Saturday with her and some people from work. Then apparently she asked if she could borrow me. So I have turned into the must have party favor and Lexie is my pimp. I don’t mind but I might need to start charging a service charge or something.

So this Friday is Christmas Party – have perfect bronze colored dress to wear and will look totally smashing. Saturday is another night out and I have no idea what to wear – I have absolutely no clothes to wear. OK that is not true but I need to find out what the mood is going to be like do I wear another mini skirt or is it going to be more laid back and I should just wear jeans. Decisions, decisions – oh the effort of looking glamorous.

PS - I just sneezed all over my desk and now my brain hurts.

Episode LXXX: “Jingle Bells – Batman Smells”

OK so along with me having one hell of a night on Saturday night I totally left my cell phone in the cab. That is what happens when you are drunk and distracted by the Big Mac in your hands. So I waited a few days in the hopes that someone would turn it in. No such luck. Now I really wasn’t upset it was time for me to get a new phone anyway but half the phone numbers in there I don’t have anymore. So for those of you whose numbers that have been lost you are currently saved from any random drunk text messages for the time being. Although I think most of the people who read this on a regular basis and who comment you are safe I had all your numbers in my computer. So now I am sporting a new Royal Blue KRAZOR phone it’s totally cute. Although a whole two and a half days without a cell phone was like walking around without a hand.

Anyway tonight I buy a Christmas Tree and decorate it with my fabulous crystal ornaments. I will take a picture and post it later. Also I must rest up our company Christmas party is this Friday and the guys are already talking about who all is going out to party afterward. Personally I hope they all come out after as I will not have to buy a drink all night and I already have my designated driver lined up and he is already scared.

Update

OK so apparently I would have to take out a full page ad in the Anchorage Daily News to apologize for any embarrassing behavior. Although I don’t want you to think that I only did that stuff because I was drinking I am just more flexible when alcohol is involved. So the above picture is from Jaxx and yes that is my chubby tummy and the afore mentioned love handles. You like it I know you do. Also to nameless man I apologize for back pain but would like to remind you that you stretched out before that or was that after?

Episode LXXIX: “A Great Hair Day.”

Names have not been used to protect the innocent!

So Saturday I went out with some friends. This picture is of me in the cab ride to Platinum Jaxx my hair looked so good that night. I was all hoed out in a jean mini skirt and brown hoe boots and yes my belly was even showing – apparently the guys love it when your love handles are showing I can’t even tell you how many random guys I danced with but it was all good I had a blast. Then of course I moved to Kootz later in the night to finish off my night. Took a cab home and ended up spending the night in the princess chair until about 8:00am.

Unfortunately the one moment before we went out at which point I knew I was already buzzed was not captured on film. This event which could never be recreated while sober consisted of me jumping on the front of a certain someone (who will remain nameless) telling him to hold me wrapping my legs around his waist and doing that baby thing (you know where they tend to throw themselves backward) which ended up with me hanging from said guys waist upside down with my hands and head by the floor and all this in a mini skirt. Of course being a gentleman said guy did not look down during this (I was wearing a thong which leaves nothing to the imagination) and I am so surprised BFF didn’t launch me out the window.

Not that it was just one big party this weekend I also cleaned the house and moved furniture and I plan on getting a Christmas Tree tomorrow and decorating it.

Episode LXXVIII: “It’s that time of year again.”

You know that time of year where I want to take a cheese grater to my shins or better yet just cut my legs off at the knee. They are so dry there isn’t enough lotion in the verse to keep me hydrated (of course I know drinking more water this time of year would help but it’s just so tasteless). Also it is now officially the count down to Christmas so I will be avoiding any unnecessary trips anywhere that might remotely be near a retail source. To all my friends and family I love you all very much but don’t get me anything for Christmas because I am not getting you anything because I am broke and I don’t want to feel guilty. You all might get cards if I get around to getting them out but that is about it.

Episode LXXVII: “Thanksgiving SURPRISE!”

Jiminy Cricket did we get mom good! Don and I had spent the last 5 to 6 weeks planning a surprise trip for me down to Seattle for Thanksgiving. If you have a secret tell Don. No one knew I was coming down but the two of us then earlier last week I told a few of my friends up here in Alaska that I would not be around. So here is what happened.

First after a really horrendous flight down (I hate to fly – I was even tempted to not get on the plane once) I was sure I was going to die like three times there was so much turbulence. I arrived in Seattle at 9:15 on Wednesday night. I’m pretty sure that Grandpa’s spirit was there to greet me when I got off the plane because all of the sudden I had some personality traits back that I had left behind when I had gone home last March to say goodbye to Grandpa. The main one being my attitude and my MOXY! That’s right – I am back to the old Keri. Don met me at baggage claim having left early from the hockey game and we worked out my entrance. He also picked me up in the Jag so even though it was in the 30’s I asked him if we could drive home with the top down. We did and it was fabulous. He dropped me off at the corner so I could wait for him to get inside and then he called me to say everyone was in the hot tub out back. Everyone being mom, Walter and Brenda. So I snuck around back and came barreling through the gate with my new attitude saying “Geez – what’s a girl got to do to get some service around here!” At which point it was dark in the backyard so until I got almost all the way to the hot tub no one recognized me. Mom stood and was speechless (I’m pretty sure if she wasn’t already wet she would have wet her pants). It was so fabulous I gave Don a high five right there. We are such a team. Anyway so that was a great night. Then Thursday morning Tanya called to ask what time she needed to come up from Tacoma and mom handed her the phone and let her talk to me so of course after finding out I was there she had to come right up.

Thursday afternoon we drove up to aunt Laura’s and uncle Brian’s for dinner there was a total of 15 people there it was fun tons of laughing. Me and Tanya drove home together and then she went back home to her puppy. Friday mom and I went shopping at Ross because seriously the universe would be very upset with me if I went to Seattle and didn’t go to Ross – bad Karma! I couldn’t risk it. Then we all hung out on Friday and Brenda and Walter left Friday night. I left to fly home on Saturday afternoon and then proceeded to veg the rest of the weekend. I got my green bean casserole so the world is right with me. Hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving too.

Episode LXXVI: “Hmm, Well Shit.”

This is totally my new motto: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out screaming ‘WOO HOO what a ride!”

So with this in mind I actually have every intention of sliding in with a Kate Spade purse holding a bunch of the little plastic mermaids that accompany a cocktail made by Joe, Coach Shoes so worn out from dancing you can’t even read the label and my Christian Dior sunglasses (which believe it or not I still have not lost and they currently hold the record for longest lasting sunglasses in the history of Keri) hiding the wrinkles on my face that as of right now have not appeared because I am fabulous.

While we all know I have no problem with my self esteem and I know I am fabulous and I know that you all know I am fabulous. However there are some out there who have not grasp this knowledge (to the random guy standing next to me at the bar wondering where his drink is because he was there first – for like an hour, to the girl at Best Buy who looks confused by the fact that this girl in a pink ski cap and jeans with a big fluffy vest on is getting all the attention from everyone – “I just realized this the other night – apparently I have a great aura”, to the nameless ones out there you know who you are) I AM FABULOUS! And I will beat you over the head with my handbag until you realize it.

So while I realize that I have a certain talent to talk my way in or out of anything (I am pretty sure I could talk my way on to Air Force One if I wanted too). I have decided not to use my power for evil but to help others who I think deserve it so if there is anything any of my peeps need you holla at me and I will let my mojo flow.