Episode – WHATEVER! I Can’t Keep Track Of The Roman Numerals Anymore.

Seriously though it’s been forever since I posted a blog. I’ve been busy and well frankly haven’t felt like posting anything. But I am going to try this again.

So last week I was taking my trash out and was stopped at the curb by a guy that lives down the street from me. I didn’t recognize him but he said his name was Andre (and what a fine looking black man he is). Anyway the following is the conversation that followed:

Andre: “Hi”
Me: “Hi” – a little nervously because I have never met this neighbor before.
Andre: “You don’t remember me do you?”
Me: “I’m sorry you look familiar but I can’t say that I do.”
Andre: “Awhile back (and he meant almost a year ago) you were coming home from the bar and you took a cab home but the cab driver dropped you off at my house and I told him you didn’t live there but that I knew where you lived and that I would take you home because I didn’t trust the cab guy he was kind of shady.”

At this point I am beginning to think this guy is mental because I have never been dropped off at the wrong house.

Me: “I don’t remember that are you sure it was me?”
Andre: “yeah you were wearing a jean mini skirt and I walked you home and even used your keys to unlock the door and as soon as I did you fell into the house on the living room floor and there is where you stayed I felt bad about leaving you but you were home and appeared to be safe so I left.”

Imagine my chagrin when I realize the last time I wore that skirt was the very first night in my life I have ever blacked out. I’m pretty sure I turned beet red.

Me: “Oh yeah I remember NOT remember that night, well thanks for saving me from the creepy cabby.”
Andre: “no problem I just thought I would introduce myself and tell you I’m Andre.”
Me: “Nice to meet you, next time I have a BBQ I will be sure to invite you and introduce you to all my friends as Andre the guy that saved me.”

At this point he drove down the street to his house (which I can see from my living room window but honestly the cabby had been way off). So I go rushing back into the house to call Alexis and tell her that you know it was a bad night when strangers still remember what happened to you and you don’t.

On a side note I love my neighbors they are awesome to me!

Episode CXIII: “Drunk Phone Calls”

Now I do this – most of you have been victims of this before. However last night at 3AM my cell phone rings and I look it’s not a number I recognize so I say screw it and go back to sleep. Then it rings again at 4 AM and I decide to answer and give whoever it is a piece of my mind. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: “Hello”
Caller: “Hey you want to smoke a blunt?”
Me: “What? Who is this?”
Caller: “It’s James” – (This is not the James most of you are thinking of he knows better this is James #2)
Me: “James who?”
Caller: “James M. I met you at the bar”
Me: “Are you sure? Who are you trying to reach?”
Caller: “Keri”
Me: “That’s me and you say I know you and gave you my number?”
Caller: “Yes – I remember because it’s Keri with a K”
At this point I’m like shit that is what I say – damn it I do know this guy and I am starting to remember who he is the problem is I removed his number from my phone because I hadn’t heard from him in almost a year. Who randomly calls up someone they haven’t talked to in almost a year at 4AM in the morning on a week day and asks them if they want to smoke a blunt? I haven’t done that since I can’t remember when and certainly not with this guy. Back to the conversation:
Me: “OK I think I know who you are now. However about your request – I’ll pass but thanks for offering”
Caller: “OK I will let you go then”
Me: “Yeah Kay Good Night”

I mean really I guess it serves me right for answering the phone but curiosity got the better of me. Oh well.

Episode CXII: “Melody Called Me A SADIST”

Which is not “ENTIRELY” true. But I have once again been elevated to the top of her stab list. Apparently she has never WAXED she is a pluck and shave kind of girl. So one night we got into a conversation about the benefits of waxing and she agreed to try it out. Now that I think back on it I should have sent her to a professional first, it being her first time and everything – it always hurts more when you do it yourself because you know when your going to pull therefore you know when the pain is coming. Well hind sight is 20/20. Anyway she did stick with it and didn’t chicken out but half way through she did have to drink a little courage to finish. Now how we managed to get wax all over the bathroom floor I am not rightly sure but it is worse then a bar bathroom and you almost feel like you want to wear shower shoes to walk in there. Here’s to a hair free world.

Episode CXI: “Tampa Bay “Rays” – are WHAT!”

So apparently the “Rays” are currently number one in the nation. Does that seem right to anyone? I mean having spent a good portion of my childhood in Tampa I feel a connection for the place. I also supported the “Bucs” while I was down there and even after I left and they finally won the SuperBowl a week after I moved up here to Alaska. So once that was done I changed my allegiance to the next underdog the Seattle Seahawks they came close to winning the SuperBowl but were robbed!

So now with the Rays in the running – I have no choice but to root for them considering that Tampa Bay and Seattle are the only other two places I have been for longer then I have been in Alaska.

Episode CX: “Road Rash!”

Friday – found me at 5:40pm taking shots in my kitchen and making a drink. I had every intention of staying home and just vegging. So me and Kelly are sitting on the couch drinking then around eight I run out of smokes so we come up with the plan that Kelly will ride her bicycle and I will sit on the handlebars and we will go up to the gas station. The entire trip through the neighborhood was hysterical and both of could not keep from laughing but we made it to the main road and decided it was safer to walk then ride next tot the cars. So on the way back when we get into the neighborhood we try to repeat ourselves the problem is neither one of us can stop laughing long enough to maintain our balance. Shoot Kelly can’t even hold herself and the bike up. So after several attempts and near death experiences she decides to walk while I ride. Then we meet up with two guys on mini motor bikes and she catches a ride with one of them. Once we get back to the house the other guy is determined to get me on his bike so I agree to go for a quick ride. It was fun then we get back to the house because I have no intention of actually hanging out with these guys when it’s clear they just want a booty call. Well Kelly goes back out for a ride and apparently ends up crashing and come home with an injury on her hand so even she gives up but the guys continue to buzz the house and knock on the door trying to get us to come out and play. Well ten o’clock finds both of us passed out on the couch.

Now Road Rash is what I text when I am completely wasted – which is what happened on Saturday.

“S” came over around nine and we took some shots and had a drink and Kelly drove us to the bar at ten. I proceeded to get my drink on had fun (wore jeans instead of a mini skirt). I am 98% sure it was Dimond who gave me a ride home sometime around 2:30 announced to Kelly when I got home that I was drunk apparently sent out a drunk text which I have no record of on my phone and don’t remember sending. Sunday found me trying to sleep it off. Got out of the house Sunday night to go clean and then came home and went to bed.

So that’s about it for my weekend – how was everyone else’s?

My First Name Ain't BABY

It's Keri,

Jones if your nasty!

Nasty boys don't mean a thing - oh you nasty boys!

Episode CIX: “Tempting Fate!”

So I decided to tempt fate again by wearing my fabulous pink Coach sandals to work today. It’s a little chilly but if it snows I am going to be really upset.

I’m sitting here at my desk wondering if it’s possible to get frost bite at 65% because I am freezing. My toes and fingers are about to go on strike so I actually just went out to the car to get my coat (even though I was already wearing layers a shirt and jacket type thing) and I am sitting cross legged in my chair with a throw blanket over my lap.

I am bored with work and e-mailing my friends. There is talk about a possible David Hasslehoff theme party coming up – I have decided that I will go with the Baywatch David look of a pair of short red shorts and some how purchase a red personal floatation device to strategically place over my ya-ya’s I hope it’s warm that day. Then Tammy says we might actually have to go to a bar dressed that way – to which I replied that I would need massive amounts of alcohol and a escort for security purposes and that I might need to bring an entourage (apparently according to Kurt I have one – who knew) all this because I am a Diva.

Then of course there would be Knight Rider David – what’s that a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a beat-up black leather coat. How would I sex that up? Maybe by tearing the t-shirt into a mid-drift, naw too boring.

Maybe I should just dress up as a rock star and sing “hooked on a feeling” like David did in 1997. That was the year I graduated from high school. That might work – hmmm – maybe guess we will have to just wait and see.