Episode CXIII: “Drunk Phone Calls”

Now I do this – most of you have been victims of this before. However last night at 3AM my cell phone rings and I look it’s not a number I recognize so I say screw it and go back to sleep. Then it rings again at 4 AM and I decide to answer and give whoever it is a piece of my mind. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: “Hello”
Caller: “Hey you want to smoke a blunt?”
Me: “What? Who is this?”
Caller: “It’s James” – (This is not the James most of you are thinking of he knows better this is James #2)
Me: “James who?”
Caller: “James M. I met you at the bar”
Me: “Are you sure? Who are you trying to reach?”
Caller: “Keri”
Me: “That’s me and you say I know you and gave you my number?”
Caller: “Yes – I remember because it’s Keri with a K”
At this point I’m like shit that is what I say – damn it I do know this guy and I am starting to remember who he is the problem is I removed his number from my phone because I hadn’t heard from him in almost a year. Who randomly calls up someone they haven’t talked to in almost a year at 4AM in the morning on a week day and asks them if they want to smoke a blunt? I haven’t done that since I can’t remember when and certainly not with this guy. Back to the conversation:
Me: “OK I think I know who you are now. However about your request – I’ll pass but thanks for offering”
Caller: “OK I will let you go then”
Me: “Yeah Kay Good Night”

I mean really I guess it serves me right for answering the phone but curiosity got the better of me. Oh well.

Episode CXII: “Melody Called Me A SADIST”

Which is not “ENTIRELY” true. But I have once again been elevated to the top of her stab list. Apparently she has never WAXED she is a pluck and shave kind of girl. So one night we got into a conversation about the benefits of waxing and she agreed to try it out. Now that I think back on it I should have sent her to a professional first, it being her first time and everything – it always hurts more when you do it yourself because you know when your going to pull therefore you know when the pain is coming. Well hind sight is 20/20. Anyway she did stick with it and didn’t chicken out but half way through she did have to drink a little courage to finish. Now how we managed to get wax all over the bathroom floor I am not rightly sure but it is worse then a bar bathroom and you almost feel like you want to wear shower shoes to walk in there. Here’s to a hair free world.

Episode CXI: “Tampa Bay “Rays” – are WHAT!”

So apparently the “Rays” are currently number one in the nation. Does that seem right to anyone? I mean having spent a good portion of my childhood in Tampa I feel a connection for the place. I also supported the “Bucs” while I was down there and even after I left and they finally won the SuperBowl a week after I moved up here to Alaska. So once that was done I changed my allegiance to the next underdog the Seattle Seahawks they came close to winning the SuperBowl but were robbed!

So now with the Rays in the running – I have no choice but to root for them considering that Tampa Bay and Seattle are the only other two places I have been for longer then I have been in Alaska.

Episode CX: “Road Rash!”

Friday – found me at 5:40pm taking shots in my kitchen and making a drink. I had every intention of staying home and just vegging. So me and Kelly are sitting on the couch drinking then around eight I run out of smokes so we come up with the plan that Kelly will ride her bicycle and I will sit on the handlebars and we will go up to the gas station. The entire trip through the neighborhood was hysterical and both of could not keep from laughing but we made it to the main road and decided it was safer to walk then ride next tot the cars. So on the way back when we get into the neighborhood we try to repeat ourselves the problem is neither one of us can stop laughing long enough to maintain our balance. Shoot Kelly can’t even hold herself and the bike up. So after several attempts and near death experiences she decides to walk while I ride. Then we meet up with two guys on mini motor bikes and she catches a ride with one of them. Once we get back to the house the other guy is determined to get me on his bike so I agree to go for a quick ride. It was fun then we get back to the house because I have no intention of actually hanging out with these guys when it’s clear they just want a booty call. Well Kelly goes back out for a ride and apparently ends up crashing and come home with an injury on her hand so even she gives up but the guys continue to buzz the house and knock on the door trying to get us to come out and play. Well ten o’clock finds both of us passed out on the couch.

Now Road Rash is what I text when I am completely wasted – which is what happened on Saturday.

“S” came over around nine and we took some shots and had a drink and Kelly drove us to the bar at ten. I proceeded to get my drink on had fun (wore jeans instead of a mini skirt). I am 98% sure it was Dimond who gave me a ride home sometime around 2:30 announced to Kelly when I got home that I was drunk apparently sent out a drunk text which I have no record of on my phone and don’t remember sending. Sunday found me trying to sleep it off. Got out of the house Sunday night to go clean and then came home and went to bed.

So that’s about it for my weekend – how was everyone else’s?

My First Name Ain't BABY

It's Keri,

Jones if your nasty!

Nasty boys don't mean a thing - oh you nasty boys!

Episode CIX: “Tempting Fate!”

So I decided to tempt fate again by wearing my fabulous pink Coach sandals to work today. It’s a little chilly but if it snows I am going to be really upset.

I’m sitting here at my desk wondering if it’s possible to get frost bite at 65% because I am freezing. My toes and fingers are about to go on strike so I actually just went out to the car to get my coat (even though I was already wearing layers a shirt and jacket type thing) and I am sitting cross legged in my chair with a throw blanket over my lap.

I am bored with work and e-mailing my friends. There is talk about a possible David Hasslehoff theme party coming up – I have decided that I will go with the Baywatch David look of a pair of short red shorts and some how purchase a red personal floatation device to strategically place over my ya-ya’s I hope it’s warm that day. Then Tammy says we might actually have to go to a bar dressed that way – to which I replied that I would need massive amounts of alcohol and a escort for security purposes and that I might need to bring an entourage (apparently according to Kurt I have one – who knew) all this because I am a Diva.

Then of course there would be Knight Rider David – what’s that a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a beat-up black leather coat. How would I sex that up? Maybe by tearing the t-shirt into a mid-drift, naw too boring.

Maybe I should just dress up as a rock star and sing “hooked on a feeling” like David did in 1997. That was the year I graduated from high school. That might work – hmmm – maybe guess we will have to just wait and see.

Episode CVIII: “Since I am Feeling Unloved by My Friends”

I am posting another blog.

This one is about a conversation I had the other day with my neighbor from across the street. It was after work last week and I was at home watching TV and it was about that time when the sun comes shining in through the window in my front door and right into my eyes – I hate this especially when I am trying to watch TV I keep my house so dark my friends call it the cave – that’s right I have my own Bat Cave (I know you all are jealous). Anyway so I stepped outside to do the ghetto fabulous thing of hanging a towel over the door to block the window and my neighbor was outside and flat out asked me what I was doing. I explained my reasons. To which he replied “Oh – I thought it was something else” at which point he proceeds to tell me that back in his college days hanging something on your front door was a sign to your roommate that you were occupied and they were not to come in.” To which I replied “I don’t give my roommates warnings like that let them walk in on something I dare them! Besides if I were to do something like that I would simply post a huge ass sign on the door saying “I’M GETTING LAID – STAY OUT!” I mean really why try to be coy about it. On a side note if he thought that is really what it meant then how rude of him to stop and chat me up when I might possibly be about to get some – HOW RUDE.

Still it did get me wondering what the other neighbors thought it meant.