Episode LXXXXVII: “I Had A Bad Moment Last Night”

So my day and night were actually pretty good yesterday. Until I decided I needed to clean out my closet and pack away the clothes I can’t wear right now. As I tried things on some of the clothes I can wear again are almost ten years old. That is not the depressing part though the problem is most of the clothes that were tight on me are now almost a bit baggy and we all know I like to wear jeans and pants that I need a pair of pliers to pull the zipper up with to pour myself into to them. Not so much now because I have NO ASS! What little that is there is a bit saggy and in most of my nice pants when you look at me from behind I look like a board - straight down. This is no longer funny and an intervention is in order. I don’t care what the norm is I would rather gain thirty pounds and have my curves back then be skinny. I am seriously remembering some horrible times from high school when I had no boobs but I still at least had a butt – now I have neither. So I will start my lunges this evening I think if I do a thousand of them a day that should help perk up the butt I have and I plan on eating only pasta as soon as I have money again to go shopping.

I just weighed myself and I am now at 169 and that is fully clothed. My goal is to get back up to 190.

BUTT JEANS!!!

Butt Jeans - Butt Jeans - Butt Jeans! I got my butt jeans in the mail today! SWEET!

Episode LXXXIX: “I CHEATED!”

OK so I got a present from my dad Donald. It was an envelope and it specifically said do not open until Christmas well I assumed it was going to be cash because that is usually what we get so needing the money stat I opened it anyway not cash but a gift card to Victoria Secrets. I screamed “BUTT JEANS!” Now I have been wanting to get some more since my other ones became to large so this is awesome instead of being responsible I have no choice but to buy clothes. Then I had to call my mother and confess because I can’t keep a secret from my mother. Then she said I had a gift card for the same thing coming from Grandpa Bilger (which is awesome). Then she said something that is so true and I quote “You know when it comes to butts and butt jeans the men in this family are all about helping out.” So here is to the fabulous men in my family I will take a picture of my butt in the butt jeans so you can post it on your wall.

PS – Today I received an e-mail from Victoria Secrets that they are having their semi-annual sale so even better. Hope to have my new butt jeans here by New Years.