Episode LXXVIII: “It’s that time of year again.”

You know that time of year where I want to take a cheese grater to my shins or better yet just cut my legs off at the knee. They are so dry there isn’t enough lotion in the verse to keep me hydrated (of course I know drinking more water this time of year would help but it’s just so tasteless). Also it is now officially the count down to Christmas so I will be avoiding any unnecessary trips anywhere that might remotely be near a retail source. To all my friends and family I love you all very much but don’t get me anything for Christmas because I am not getting you anything because I am broke and I don’t want to feel guilty. You all might get cards if I get around to getting them out but that is about it.

Episode LXXVII: “Thanksgiving SURPRISE!”

Jiminy Cricket did we get mom good! Don and I had spent the last 5 to 6 weeks planning a surprise trip for me down to Seattle for Thanksgiving. If you have a secret tell Don. No one knew I was coming down but the two of us then earlier last week I told a few of my friends up here in Alaska that I would not be around. So here is what happened.

First after a really horrendous flight down (I hate to fly – I was even tempted to not get on the plane once) I was sure I was going to die like three times there was so much turbulence. I arrived in Seattle at 9:15 on Wednesday night. I’m pretty sure that Grandpa’s spirit was there to greet me when I got off the plane because all of the sudden I had some personality traits back that I had left behind when I had gone home last March to say goodbye to Grandpa. The main one being my attitude and my MOXY! That’s right – I am back to the old Keri. Don met me at baggage claim having left early from the hockey game and we worked out my entrance. He also picked me up in the Jag so even though it was in the 30’s I asked him if we could drive home with the top down. We did and it was fabulous. He dropped me off at the corner so I could wait for him to get inside and then he called me to say everyone was in the hot tub out back. Everyone being mom, Walter and Brenda. So I snuck around back and came barreling through the gate with my new attitude saying “Geez – what’s a girl got to do to get some service around here!” At which point it was dark in the backyard so until I got almost all the way to the hot tub no one recognized me. Mom stood and was speechless (I’m pretty sure if she wasn’t already wet she would have wet her pants). It was so fabulous I gave Don a high five right there. We are such a team. Anyway so that was a great night. Then Thursday morning Tanya called to ask what time she needed to come up from Tacoma and mom handed her the phone and let her talk to me so of course after finding out I was there she had to come right up.

Thursday afternoon we drove up to aunt Laura’s and uncle Brian’s for dinner there was a total of 15 people there it was fun tons of laughing. Me and Tanya drove home together and then she went back home to her puppy. Friday mom and I went shopping at Ross because seriously the universe would be very upset with me if I went to Seattle and didn’t go to Ross – bad Karma! I couldn’t risk it. Then we all hung out on Friday and Brenda and Walter left Friday night. I left to fly home on Saturday afternoon and then proceeded to veg the rest of the weekend. I got my green bean casserole so the world is right with me. Hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving too.

Episode LXXVI: “Hmm, Well Shit.”

This is totally my new motto: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out screaming ‘WOO HOO what a ride!”

So with this in mind I actually have every intention of sliding in with a Kate Spade purse holding a bunch of the little plastic mermaids that accompany a cocktail made by Joe, Coach Shoes so worn out from dancing you can’t even read the label and my Christian Dior sunglasses (which believe it or not I still have not lost and they currently hold the record for longest lasting sunglasses in the history of Keri) hiding the wrinkles on my face that as of right now have not appeared because I am fabulous.

While we all know I have no problem with my self esteem and I know I am fabulous and I know that you all know I am fabulous. However there are some out there who have not grasp this knowledge (to the random guy standing next to me at the bar wondering where his drink is because he was there first – for like an hour, to the girl at Best Buy who looks confused by the fact that this girl in a pink ski cap and jeans with a big fluffy vest on is getting all the attention from everyone – “I just realized this the other night – apparently I have a great aura”, to the nameless ones out there you know who you are) I AM FABULOUS! And I will beat you over the head with my handbag until you realize it.

So while I realize that I have a certain talent to talk my way in or out of anything (I am pretty sure I could talk my way on to Air Force One if I wanted too). I have decided not to use my power for evil but to help others who I think deserve it so if there is anything any of my peeps need you holla at me and I will let my mojo flow.

Episode LXXV: “Sneaky – Sneaky!”

OK to all my girls we all know that when we are not in a relationship or we don’t have big plans we tend to let ourselves go sometimes. Well that has happened to me the last week and today I paid for my mistake. I went in to the doctor for a fairly routine reason and that sneaky little man sprung the unmentionable on me. So now as I sit here at work the moment I get home I am taking my 2nd shower of the day and I am going to de-hair-ify myself. Why you ask the damage is already done – because this is apparently why mom always tells you to wear clean underwear. You never know.

Episode LXXIV: “Girls, What’s my Weakness.”

BIG MACS!

Seriously had one heck of a night last night – had a bad day wanted to kill people. Went out and got completely wasted and was home by 10:30. Short night but filled with my emotional maelstrom that would rival hurricane Katrina. She’s up she’s down she’s mad at everyone she’s crying so hard she’s shaking.

Yeah: Me – Me – Me – I – I –I!

Now anyone that knows me knows I don’t get mad very often I tend to hold it in which isn’t exactly healthy but it works for me. Then about once a year I have a melt down and there usually is a big argument and then I feel better (usually my mom is the one who gets to see this softer side of Keri). Well there was almost one of these full blown episodes last night except all day yesterday everybody could sense I was mad so no one would argue with me and I need to argue to get it out – so now it’s just going to fester and last until I can have a good row with someone. So I guess that was everyone’s warning – stand back.

Episode LXXIII: “SUPER STAR!”

So I had a blast on Friday night – didn’t even make it home to my own bed. Instead I completely invaded Lexie’s. Tore up her living room and ate her food. It was fabulous I however did pay for it on Saturday with a fabulous hangover. But I vegged all day on Sunday to make up for it. Of course now my own house is trashed and I have to do some major cleaning today. Oh well. At least I know for sure that Lexie is so my home girl who else can you show up at their house at 3:00 am and just invite yourself in. Much love to you girl.

Episode LXXII: “I nearly fainted in the WalMart dressing room.”

Seriously! I was walking by the jeans section which is the same jeans I have on today. On a whim I decided to try on a pair of size 9 since the ones I have on are a little baggy. I pulled them up and zipped them without having to suck it in and then I’m pretty sure that the people who work there think I’m a big freak because I was like WOOHOO! I haven’t worn that size since my senior year in high school. Damn that was a great year too – oh so much fun. Anyway I just thought I would share with everyone.

By the way I also went tanning on my lunch and now I have that nice burnt smell. I figured out that I only get that smell when I use the tanning lotions but it’s not enough for me not to use it.

A little tanner and skinnier up here in the frozen north.