Episode XIII: “Shiny!”

Just a quick note to say I’m having a fabulous day and that I look really adorable today. Wouldn’t you like to know what I’m wearing, a sort of retro seventies look.

Here’s to hoping it doesn’t go down hill.

Episode XII: “Family Play Time”

OK so when I got off work yesterday I nearly crashed my car and got my adrenaline pumping. As I was pulling out on to the main street I saw a hot guy in a truck turning on the street I was coming from and I was looking back over my shoulder and I went over into the turning lane and scared the crap out of myself and the guy in the other truck that was coming straight at me. I screamed and got back in my own lane and then preceded to text message everyone I ever met about it. Perhaps adrenaline texting is worst then drunk texting.

Once I got home it was fabulously hot and sunny so I took the dog and the roommate into the back yard and we kicked the soccer ball around for a bit then I decided that I needed one of those cheap two way clicking lawn chairs that fold down flat (Click, Click, Click, Click). So I abducted Sam (the roommate) and off we went to Fred Meyers. Got stuck in traffic on the way there so to amuse myself I started to car dance (you know the hand wave in the face, mean while Sam sinks a little further down in the passenger seat). I am such an amazing car dancer Michael Jackson wants to steal my moves. Once at the store Sam takes me through checkout line with the hot girl working. While standing there in line me and Sam get into an argument about him buying my dinner and where we are going to go. I’m all sweaty (Sam refuses to smell my arm pits – even though I do not stink) so I don’t want to go somewhere I have to go in and sit down. During this verbal abuse with me calling Sam a “Rat Bastard” and him calling me a “Jackass” he finally asked the cute girl what she thinks – she said she likes sushi (whatever that was a wasted question) we disagree and he ask if she wanted something cooked where would she eat. I then tell her to ignore him like I do and she doesn’t have to answer (cause really I have already made up my mind but I am enjoying the argument to much to give in). On the way out of the store he then tells me that he was trying to flirt with that girl at which point I say “Sam I guarantee that she thought we were dating and that you were a pig for flirting with her while I was standing there.” His reply “JackAss!” (5 points for Keri)

So we have decided to get a drink at the bar in Chili’s while we wait for our to-go order at which point I continue to berate him while the bartender laughs at us (at least someone thinks we’re amusing). We get back to the house and eat our meal in the back yard in the sun while I am lounging in my new cheap lawn chair with my white COACH sun glasses on looking the total part of a over weight out of work drama queen eating my fabulously healthy western egg rolls. Once we are done Sam leaves me to hang out with less demanding people and goes out with his friends. I then retire to the house and my true friend my big screen TV and snuggle up with my puppy. Yep my relationship with Sam is of the big sister younger brother verity – yup he’s the younger brother I never had and secretly never wanted – but he is still family and the best roommate EVER!

Episode XI: “Dreaming Dilemma”

So OK I had the strangest dream last night – I dreamt about a guy that I know but that I don’t know well and it wasn’t rated XXX but it had some sensual overtones. I’m trying to figure out what this means. Of course it could be completely random so maybe I shouldn’t worry about it unless it happens multiple times. It’s bugging me! Seriously – I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like getting the “it’s a Small World” song stuck in your head and not being able to get rid of it. Although my Small World song is actually “Papa Loved Mama” by Garth Brooks. It’s contagious and it’s believe it or not my happy song.

“Papa loved mama, Mama loved MEEEENN! Mama’s in the graveyard, Papa’s in the pen.”

Here’s to never hitting the brakes while shifting the gears.

Episode X: “Stain Glass World”

First off I did not want to drag my butt out of bed this morning. However when I finally got up and walked into the hallway I noticed it was not as bright as it should have been at 7:45 the morning after the summer solstice longest day of the year. I was too lazy to open a curtain and look though so I got ready thinking it was probably over cast and raining. Then before I went down stairs I open my curtain and window in my room to let the heat out (cause it’s been so hot, you know all of in the 80’s). Once I opened the window though it was like gazing at my city through a stain glass window. There was a yellow hue to everything. On my way out the car I noticed that it was really quite and that there was a smoke smell in the air. Sure enough I got to work and checked the paper and we have several forest fires burning around the state and the smoke tends to be blown into town. It makes the city seem like it’s in a dream state and completely surreal. I kind of like it – sort of a calming feeling.

Episode IX: “Alcohol & Hair Color”

So yesterday I got a hold of Alexis because I wanted to come over and have her color my hair. So by the time I got done with my errands it was 7:00 and I called Alexis and she was at the bar down the street from her house. She wanted me to meet her and Melody there for a drink first. OK fine I meet them there and find out that this is my first trip to a gay bar. Fabulous – the bartender we had was so cool and fantastically funny and we were his only customers for like and hour we had the bar to ourselves. Mean while drinking ensues and finally at 9:30 I am like OK we have to go because it’s all about me and my hair tonight. So I am really blonde right now and it’s awesome I am slowly working toward the platinum color. I really need to go in and get some highlights but alas I am too broke so this is me dealing.

On a side note I am wearing my decadently delicious COACH sandals today and they have a really spiky heel so my front porch becomes a death trap – so if you don’t hear from me tomorrow please send help to my house to release me from the jaws of death.

P.S. I seriously miss Nordstrom Rack!

Episode VIII: “False Pretenses and Manual Labor = TRAP!”

So after being lolled into a false sense of security by Tammy and asked if I would come up to her old place and help her clean I finally agreed. She bought me dinner and then we traveled up the mountain to her old place and when we got there she hadn’t moved anything else since the day we all helped her move two weeks ago. So of course there was still stuff to be moved before we even started cleaning. We loaded down my car twice then got to the cleaning. So while my bathrooms were neglected again at least Tammy is done at her old place and my bathrooms will hopefully be cleaned tonight.

“I am Mohammad and I have moved the mountain!”

Episode VII: “I dropped a cookie crumb!”

Stand back world you are not ready for the retelling of the weekend I had it was like a Disneyland ride:

“Please remain seated, keep arms and legs inside the car at all times.”
“Permanecen por favor siempre asentado, de la subsistencia y las piernas dentro del coche los brazos.”

Following content not for the faint of heart, parental discretion advised.

Friday night I went to bed at like midnight and slept until 5:00 pm on Saturday. Then I woke up and got my scrub on. That’s right you heard me – I did a major cleaning. Spring cleaning doesn’t even cover it. Over the two days Saturday and Sunday I scrubbed floors on my hands and knees and wiped down walls and even did some carpet cleaning. Of course I only got the dining room, kitchen and living room done.

After cleaning the floor in the kitchen I felt I deserved a cookie so I was eating it and I dropped a crumb on the floor and about came unglued. I was almost faster then the dog to scarf it up – “I just cleaned that floor”. Tonight I will tackle the bathrooms (and that’s the part requiring the warning).

By Sunday night I was hurting in places I shouldn’t have and even today I think I might need a pain killer. Oh well I am the one who said she needed to work out guess I can’t complain now.

“My thighs burn like they are on fire!”
“Mis muslos se queman como se arden!”