Episode XIII: “Shiny!”

Just a quick note to say I’m having a fabulous day and that I look really adorable today. Wouldn’t you like to know what I’m wearing, a sort of retro seventies look.

Here’s to hoping it doesn’t go down hill.

Episode XII: “Family Play Time”

OK so when I got off work yesterday I nearly crashed my car and got my adrenaline pumping. As I was pulling out on to the main street I saw a hot guy in a truck turning on the street I was coming from and I was looking back over my shoulder and I went over into the turning lane and scared the crap out of myself and the guy in the other truck that was coming straight at me. I screamed and got back in my own lane and then preceded to text message everyone I ever met about it. Perhaps adrenaline texting is worst then drunk texting.

Once I got home it was fabulously hot and sunny so I took the dog and the roommate into the back yard and we kicked the soccer ball around for a bit then I decided that I needed one of those cheap two way clicking lawn chairs that fold down flat (Click, Click, Click, Click). So I abducted Sam (the roommate) and off we went to Fred Meyers. Got stuck in traffic on the way there so to amuse myself I started to car dance (you know the hand wave in the face, mean while Sam sinks a little further down in the passenger seat). I am such an amazing car dancer Michael Jackson wants to steal my moves. Once at the store Sam takes me through checkout line with the hot girl working. While standing there in line me and Sam get into an argument about him buying my dinner and where we are going to go. I’m all sweaty (Sam refuses to smell my arm pits – even though I do not stink) so I don’t want to go somewhere I have to go in and sit down. During this verbal abuse with me calling Sam a “Rat Bastard” and him calling me a “Jackass” he finally asked the cute girl what she thinks – she said she likes sushi (whatever that was a wasted question) we disagree and he ask if she wanted something cooked where would she eat. I then tell her to ignore him like I do and she doesn’t have to answer (cause really I have already made up my mind but I am enjoying the argument to much to give in). On the way out of the store he then tells me that he was trying to flirt with that girl at which point I say “Sam I guarantee that she thought we were dating and that you were a pig for flirting with her while I was standing there.” His reply “JackAss!” (5 points for Keri)

So we have decided to get a drink at the bar in Chili’s while we wait for our to-go order at which point I continue to berate him while the bartender laughs at us (at least someone thinks we’re amusing). We get back to the house and eat our meal in the back yard in the sun while I am lounging in my new cheap lawn chair with my white COACH sun glasses on looking the total part of a over weight out of work drama queen eating my fabulously healthy western egg rolls. Once we are done Sam leaves me to hang out with less demanding people and goes out with his friends. I then retire to the house and my true friend my big screen TV and snuggle up with my puppy. Yep my relationship with Sam is of the big sister younger brother verity – yup he’s the younger brother I never had and secretly never wanted – but he is still family and the best roommate EVER!

Episode XI: “Dreaming Dilemma”

So OK I had the strangest dream last night – I dreamt about a guy that I know but that I don’t know well and it wasn’t rated XXX but it had some sensual overtones. I’m trying to figure out what this means. Of course it could be completely random so maybe I shouldn’t worry about it unless it happens multiple times. It’s bugging me! Seriously – I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like getting the “it’s a Small World” song stuck in your head and not being able to get rid of it. Although my Small World song is actually “Papa Loved Mama” by Garth Brooks. It’s contagious and it’s believe it or not my happy song.

“Papa loved mama, Mama loved MEEEENN! Mama’s in the graveyard, Papa’s in the pen.”

Here’s to never hitting the brakes while shifting the gears.

Episode X: “Stain Glass World”

First off I did not want to drag my butt out of bed this morning. However when I finally got up and walked into the hallway I noticed it was not as bright as it should have been at 7:45 the morning after the summer solstice longest day of the year. I was too lazy to open a curtain and look though so I got ready thinking it was probably over cast and raining. Then before I went down stairs I open my curtain and window in my room to let the heat out (cause it’s been so hot, you know all of in the 80’s). Once I opened the window though it was like gazing at my city through a stain glass window. There was a yellow hue to everything. On my way out the car I noticed that it was really quite and that there was a smoke smell in the air. Sure enough I got to work and checked the paper and we have several forest fires burning around the state and the smoke tends to be blown into town. It makes the city seem like it’s in a dream state and completely surreal. I kind of like it – sort of a calming feeling.

Episode IX: “Alcohol & Hair Color”

So yesterday I got a hold of Alexis because I wanted to come over and have her color my hair. So by the time I got done with my errands it was 7:00 and I called Alexis and she was at the bar down the street from her house. She wanted me to meet her and Melody there for a drink first. OK fine I meet them there and find out that this is my first trip to a gay bar. Fabulous – the bartender we had was so cool and fantastically funny and we were his only customers for like and hour we had the bar to ourselves. Mean while drinking ensues and finally at 9:30 I am like OK we have to go because it’s all about me and my hair tonight. So I am really blonde right now and it’s awesome I am slowly working toward the platinum color. I really need to go in and get some highlights but alas I am too broke so this is me dealing.

On a side note I am wearing my decadently delicious COACH sandals today and they have a really spiky heel so my front porch becomes a death trap – so if you don’t hear from me tomorrow please send help to my house to release me from the jaws of death.

P.S. I seriously miss Nordstrom Rack!

Episode VIII: “False Pretenses and Manual Labor = TRAP!”

So after being lolled into a false sense of security by Tammy and asked if I would come up to her old place and help her clean I finally agreed. She bought me dinner and then we traveled up the mountain to her old place and when we got there she hadn’t moved anything else since the day we all helped her move two weeks ago. So of course there was still stuff to be moved before we even started cleaning. We loaded down my car twice then got to the cleaning. So while my bathrooms were neglected again at least Tammy is done at her old place and my bathrooms will hopefully be cleaned tonight.

“I am Mohammad and I have moved the mountain!”

Episode VII: “I dropped a cookie crumb!”

Stand back world you are not ready for the retelling of the weekend I had it was like a Disneyland ride:

“Please remain seated, keep arms and legs inside the car at all times.”
“Permanecen por favor siempre asentado, de la subsistencia y las piernas dentro del coche los brazos.”

Following content not for the faint of heart, parental discretion advised.

Friday night I went to bed at like midnight and slept until 5:00 pm on Saturday. Then I woke up and got my scrub on. That’s right you heard me – I did a major cleaning. Spring cleaning doesn’t even cover it. Over the two days Saturday and Sunday I scrubbed floors on my hands and knees and wiped down walls and even did some carpet cleaning. Of course I only got the dining room, kitchen and living room done.

After cleaning the floor in the kitchen I felt I deserved a cookie so I was eating it and I dropped a crumb on the floor and about came unglued. I was almost faster then the dog to scarf it up – “I just cleaned that floor”. Tonight I will tackle the bathrooms (and that’s the part requiring the warning).

By Sunday night I was hurting in places I shouldn’t have and even today I think I might need a pain killer. Oh well I am the one who said she needed to work out guess I can’t complain now.

“My thighs burn like they are on fire!”
“Mis muslos se queman como se arden!”

Episode VI: “Sunshine Buzz”

So today I got to run some errands for the office; a trip to Alaska Airlines Goldstreak, Costco and Walmart before I took my lunch so I was out in the sunshine for a total of 2 ½ hours. It was fabulous! Except: This one chic at Costco almost ruined my sunshine buzz she tried to cut in front of me in line and when I made a noise to the contrary she gave me the stink eye. I’m not sure what possessed me to go to Costco on a Friday afternoon during the summer – it’s a mad house full of crazy people and I could look around and practically name the activity (camping, camping, BBQ, camping camping). You’d think these people only had three months of warm weather. Sheesh – oh wait we aren’t even guaranteed three months – maybe I should go back to Costco for myself.

What to buy and where to go!

Episode V: “Wet Suit, Mosquito’s and Broken Belt Loops”

So last weekend we had a beautiful day out at Big Lake more chores followed by another run on the Jet Ski. This time however I squeezed my ass into a wet suit – (I know scary thought). It was a lot like a full body girdle I still had to suck it in for the photo and since it was a cut off sleeves and legs it was cutting the circulation off in my arms and legs. However it was 7:00 at night before we got out on the lake and by then it was a tit-bit-nipple-ly and even the wet suit wouldn’t save me if I fell in.

Monday I helped Tammy move into her new house. (Help being the operative word) OK I really brought a big ass truck from work and Sam my roommate to help so I figured I had bought my way clean so while loading up I supervised. When we go to the new house I actually ended up helping. Also Tool ended up wrestling me on Tammy’s bed – that was the most action I have had in a really, really (really) long time. While loading up we had to carrying everything through the swarm of mosquitoes and I have bites all over me. Even where my jeans were covering me up but those little buggers could get through steel (Alaska grows them big). Tammy’s new living room is huge and I can’t wait for the first party.

Tuesday was a horrible day – I had just washed and dried my jeans so I pulled them on using the belt loops (you know like you do) when SNAP! One of the belt loops broke I seriously shed a tear. That’s it! You know it’s time to start losing some weight when you tear your pants (these are Victoria Secret London Jeans and 1 of 3 pairs that everyone calls my butt jeans – because my butt looks great in them). So tonight I am going to exercise for at least 30 minutes. No more fat kid pie for me – well no more after this last piece.

Episode IV: “Brain Freeze Without the Taste of Ice Cream”

Spring has sprung the grass has riz I wonder where dem birdies is. Birds on wings aint that absurd I thought the wings were on the birds. Birdie, birdie in the sky please don’t doo, doo in my eye, me no baby me no cry me just glad cow don’t fly.

So yeah went out to Big Lake on Saturday. Sat around the fire watched Alexis cook a pizza on the BBQ grill – that was interesting not to mention a learning experience. We were so hungry by then that it didn’t matter that the bottom of the pizza was extra crispy. Also had a run in with an itsy bitsy spider that a round bulbous body on it that almost made me want to jump in the lake. It was on the BBQ and then Alexis flicks it off with a stick of course we then don’t see where it lands so Melody and I are not comfortable outside anymore. Sunday when we woke up we then helped with the spring chores of cleaning big toys and getting them launched in the lake. My day ended out there with a Jet Ski ride around the lake and one heck of a lake water brain freeze. That’s what happens when cold water splashes on your face and then the air makes it even colder. All in all – good times and the brain freeze means summer has officially started.